Dealing with jealousy and rejection is never easy. We all feel jealousy, we all get hurt when our work is rejected, especially when that work is personal–especially when that work is something you’ve been poring over for ages. It’s not that you can’t feel jealousy, it’s more how you deal with it. Feeling an emotion is one thing, but taking it out on others is another. Plus, if there are ways to make yourself feel better (like drinking tea and watching Netflix) and supporting others, instead of letting the green-eyed monster get the best of you, then why not go that route?
Personally, I get jealous. I get hurt. We all do. Instead of letting it control me, however, I choose to support that person instead–and celebrate their success. Because it’s well-deserved. Because we can all learn from others and others’ success. If I enjoy their work, I’ll champion them, because why should somehow else be punished for petty feelings?
For me, it’s also a way to motivate myself. Someone else got something I wanted? I just push myself harder, make myself put the effort and work in. It makes me rethink what I’m doing and how I could be doing it better. But besides that, I remind myself that everything goes in phases–sometimes we get a lot of attention for our work, and sometimes we don’t. While outside validation is awesome, and feels awesome, it’s also OK not to have it all the time. At the end of the day, I make sure I’m happy, I’m being good to my body, I’m working hard, I’m supporting and loving others, and being creative. Because that’s all we can control.
This is why I asked our Twitter family what they do to deal with rejection and jealousy. This is what you said:
“My gut response to rejection is to prove them wrong. I’ll take a moment to absorb the nature of the rejection, especially if/when there’s constructive feedback I can take to heart, and then, moments later, I snap back into focus and use the rejection as fuel. Jealousy, I react by getting to know the person; I’ll reach out and say hello. I’ll befriend them in hopes of learning from them. Being competitive is both natural and healthy but I’ve always seen jealousy, when treated out of bounds, to be toxic to a writer’s own productivity. So why not support those that you may be jealous of? Learn to see from their worldview. Learn from them. I bet a number of us are jealous of each other and yet will be the first to have each other’s backs in times of duress. There are only so many of us in this community and what matters most is maintaining motivation. I’d be the first to say it’s really damn easy to give into feelings of doubt, give into depression, and just sit around and feel worthless. Hey rejection, I’ll prove you wrong. Hey competition, let’s all go write a thousand words and then chat about it over coffee. Hey jealousy, nobody has time for that shit.”
-Michael J Seidlinger, CCM Publisher
@CCMPress I go back to my archived “good responses” and remind myself what positive things have been said to me about my writing.
— Stephanie Lucianovic (@grubreport) March 9, 2017
@CCMPress I also reach out to trusted friends who know my work for their support, which they give fulsomely and unstintingly.
— Stephanie Lucianovic (@grubreport) March 9, 2017
@CCMPress If I’m jealous of someone’s writing, I boost it on my social media. It helps me celebrate others/not dwell on my envy.
— Wren Awry (@WrenAwry) March 9, 2017
@CCMPress the rejection part is hard when I think I’ve found the ‘perfect’ home for a poem. Helps me to read and listen more, immerse in it
— Ani Keaten (@anikeaten) March 9, 2017
@CCMPress something like the mental equivalent of going from standing to sprinting. the thing has happened. leave it quick and it’ll be easy
— mnemosyne (@metanyme) March 9, 2017
@CCMPress I try to be as pleasant as possible, respond to rejections personally when appropriate (thanks for consideration, etc.)
— chancedibben (@chancedibben) March 9, 2017
@CCMPress keep the interaction positive, use the experience to reconsider or reassert the work. Rejection has been key some recent pieces.
— chancedibben (@chancedibben) March 9, 2017
@CCMPress as far as jealousy? Not much I can do, but focus on what I am doing and how am I doing it, while supporting those I am envious of
— chancedibben (@chancedibben) March 9, 2017
@CCMPress love this question. i recognize the ebbs and flows in which rejections matter & try to give the feelings space.
— Jay Besemer (@divinetailor) March 9, 2017
@CCMPress but often i send stuff out before it’s really ready as a way to gauge response, so those rejections aren’t terribly emotional.
— Jay Besemer (@divinetailor) March 9, 2017
@CCMPress also i rarely respond to rejections unless specifically asked to & as an editor i def. don’t want to receive rejection responses.
— Jay Besemer (@divinetailor) March 9, 2017
@CCMPress I star the few acceptance emails among the leagues of rejections &pretend im seeing asterisms in the daylight-makes me feel more galvanized.
— Andrew J. Byrds (@AndrewByrds) March 9, 2017
@CCMPress I find it comforting to have a system. Like “Oh, a rejection! It is now time to enter it in my submission spreadsheet.”
— Abigail Welhouse (@welhouse) March 9, 2017
I fix the story’s makeup, straighten its wig, and put its ass back out on the corner. #amwriting https://t.co/wBP8pjD3ee
— Claire Rudy Foster (@claire_rudy) March 9, 2017
@CCMPress Once in awhile if I’m having a bad day and envy something another writer has achieved, I hide that post from my scroll.
— Sandra Marchetti (@sandrapoetry) March 9, 2017
@CCMPress I allow myself to be hateful for a little while. I yell. I cry. Then I eat something sugary. Then I get back to work.
— Katrina Monroe (@AuthorKatM) March 9, 2017
Share your thoughts and feelings in the comments below.
Joanna C. Valente is a human who lives in Brooklyn, New York, and is the author of Sirs & Madams (Aldrich Press, 2014), The Gods Are Dead (Deadly Chaps Press, 2015), Marys of the Sea (2016, ELJ Publications), & Xenos (2016, Agape Editions) and the editor of “A Shadow Map: An Anthology by Survivors of Sexual Assault” (CCM, 2017). They received their MFA in writing at Sarah Lawrence College. Joanna is also the founder of Yes, Poetry, as well as the managing editor for Luna Luna Magazine and CCM. Some of their writing has appeared in Prelude, Apogee, Spork The Atlas Review, The Feminist Wire, BUST, The James Franco Review, and elsewhere. They also teach workshops at Brooklyn Poets.
